Unpublished blog posts sit abandoned in my draft folder. One is bitter; Another begs victim hood. That is not what I want to put out into the universe. So here I sit, gazing at my keyboard, trying again. I’ll just give it to you straight.
The functional use of my arms is gone. That means I can still use my arms to knock things off the counter, but that’s about it. If we meet for lunch, you’ll have to feed me. Don’t worry about the mess. I’ll have a color coordinated bib, with a convenient Velcro closure, neatly stowed in my pee bag.
The real bummer is that my progression has reached my mouth and throat. The changes aren’t noticeable unless you live with me. But the signs are unmistakable — excess saliva, choking on air, hoarse, reduced voice volume, muscle spasms in my throat and neck. And when I’m tired, I sound like #45 with dry mouth, “God bless the unitshed shates of amershith.” I have an appointment at the multidisciplinary ALS clinic next week and will meet with the speech the pulmonary therapists. I had been hoping for an effective treatment before I reached this point, but it is not meant to be.
I’ve been struggling. My emotional bandwidth isn’t there as I’ve switched from waterproof mascara to no mascara at all. Two local friends with ALS died this week. Tammy was the second woman I’d met with ALS. I was drawn to her gentle spirit, strength, and endless optimism. JT had unmatched charisma and charm, and a wicked sense of humor. Both were deeply loved by family and friends. Coping with my own loss and sadness for Tammy’s and JT’s families is overwhelming.
I’m at peace with my maker yet miss being part of a faith community. I’ll add this to my New Year to do list.
Return to Gratitude
There’s a time to grieve and a time to live. I do both with profound gratitude and peace in my bones.
What are you grateful for today?
I’m Forgiven and Free and grateful I get to try a recently approved medication that may slow my progression!