Much of my emotional suffering is a result of unmet expectations.
The visible suffering of ALS is obvious in loss of ability to control my body. Sure it’s frustrating for me and everyone who loves me. So we slow down, add equipment, change routines, adapt and adjust.
We all have expectations, beliefs that something is likely to happen.
Get out of bed.
Walk to the kitchen.
Pour a cup of coffee.
Most able-bodied people wake every morning knowing these things will happen. It’s expected. Even though I can visualize myself doing these simple tasks, I have no expectation that they are going to happen without assistance. Acceptance lessens suffering.
Having unreasonable expectations is a great source of suffering.
The key to limiting suffering? Reframe expectations of myself and others. Let me explain. I suffered a great deal the past six months because of what was happening politically in the U.S. I was physically and emotionally sick. I quit writing, I changed political parties, I quit my Bible study, I unfollowed friends on FaceBook and was unfollowed and unfriended by a great deal more. I spiraled. I was horrified at the thought of a greedy, narcissistic, degrading, mocking, lying bully being elected President and didn’t want to be around anyone or any organization who did. I expected others to view the election as I did, to see what I saw, and to value what I valued. Didn’t happen. My expectations, what I believed was likely to happen, didn’t happen. I suffered for it. Bigly.
I was wrong for placing my expectations on others.
I’ve thought through the angst I caused myself and have reframed my expectations. Am I happy and accepting of the election results? Unequivocally no. But I have removed the unreasonable expectation that others view the world as I do. I’m channeling my energy to promote issues of social justice and compassion. A much better choice than suffering.
Here’s another example: I expect my family and friends to read my mind, to know what I’m thinking, and to know what I need from them. Nonsensical. When I find myself suffering because of what someone else is doing or not doing, I have to stop and ask: Do I have a reasonable expectation? Have I communicated my need? If the answer is no, I am causing my own suffering.
Does this practice eliminate all of my emotional pain? No. The feelings are real and I have to find a way to process them. However, I do have a sense of controlling how long and to what depth I experience the pain. I’m able to roll away from it when I’m done.
What can we reasonably expect from others?
I’m not suggesting we all walk away from relationships and disengage from society. But I am suggesting that we carefully examine the judgement and expectations we place on others. What can I reasonably expect? I expect to be treated with care and respect and will reciprocate in kind. However, I have no expectation that you will be able to read my mind or think or act the way I expect you too. If someone doesn’t treat me with care and respect, I can choose to not be in relationship with him or her. If that’s not an option, I can emotionally disengage.
Are you the cause of your own suffering?
What are you expecting from people or society that is causing you to suffer? We have no right to expect justice or deference. Really, we don’t. So take a step towards eliminating your own suffering and finding freedom by reframing your expectations.
I’m Forgiven and Free and reframing my expectations.